Written by Doctor G

When one sib is invited and the other isn’t

Dear Dr. G,
My children are 11 and 6 years old. My daughter (11) has a best friend with a younger brother about my son’s age. My son LOVES playing with this boy, and it seems to be mutual. Every time my daughter is invited over my son is a wreck if he doesn’t also get an invitation! He is too young for the events and sleepovers that his sister takes part in, but I hate to see him so sad. Of course I can’t insist that this mom invite both my kids but I don’t know what to do about the hours of agony when she doesn’t. Help!

Susannah in Leawood, KS

This can be heartbreaking, I know! Your son wants to be “big” like his sister and also wants to leave the house and play at a friend’s, especially one he likes so much.

You have a few options.

The easiest is to invite the little brother to play at your house when your daughter goes there. Your daughter and her friend will LOVE this idea because it means that there are no little-brother-nuisances around while they are hanging out. The other mom may love it as well, and even better – she may reciprocate when her daughter is at your house! Your son may complain because staying home may not seem as fun as going to his friend’s house. You may want to sweeten the deal with a short outing for the two boys.

Another option is to cultivate other friendships for your son. The more the kids in his “community” get used to playing with him, the more likely they are to bug their parents to call for a playdate at their house. It is tricky to teach kids that you can’t invite yourself to someone else’s house (it takes YEARS to develop that kind of manipulation successfully, most 6 year olds can’t pull it off), but enough invitations to your house and it will start to pay off in playdates out.

Last is the hardest thing, of course, and probably the most important. Your son will slowly learn that social disappointments happen, and that the world doesn’t end.

The inclination to protect our kids from social pain is in the DNA of most parents. An understandable desire, this is not a worthwhile goal. When our kids feel hurt or sad we need to show empathy. This validates their feelings and leaves them somewhat comforted. We should probably not try to FIX every situation that hurts them, however.

Learning to manage disappointment is a crucial life skill. When we try to fix it, our kids learn an expectation that every disappointment should be rectified. When we empathize and then move forward, our kids learn that disappointment can be managed and forgotten. You can guess which path makes for a stronger adulthood, even if it is a slightly more challenging childhood.

Stress to Resilience for Youth, Free Download Cover Mockup

Learn to Help Your Teen Build Resilience​

Help the teen in your life walk through adversity with strength. Download this free PDF to learn the three steps to go from stress to resilience for youth!

2 thoughts on “When one sib is invited and the other isn’t”

  1. So many parents need to learn that last paragraph – I can’t tell you how many parents are quick to fix things for their kids..even though it is a natural instinct, I think learning disappointment is crucial to knowing that life isn’t always fair..

    1. It hurts to watch our kids hurt. And it is hard to remember that “making it all better” isn’t always the best solution.

Comments are closed.

Search

How Can I Help?

A Little Bit About Dr. G

A widely recognized media personality, Dr. G is your go-to expert on resilience. Countless broadcast outlets rely on her contagious humor and illuminating stories to tackle tough topics. She is regularly seen on TV, as well as interviewed for print and digital outlets. Here, she’s answering your questions. Search for the answers you need, or ask her your question now!
Scroll to Top

A Newsletter All About Resilience

Sign up below to join Dr. G’s newsletter and discover how to ‘Do Stress Better’ and tap into the resilience that already exists inside of you.

Ask Dr. G Your Question

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Book Dr. G

Let Dr. G know you’re interested in having her speak. If you’d like to send her a message click here.

  • MM slash DD slash YYYY
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

After pressing submit your forms will be sent to Dr. G and her team. You can expect a response within 1 business day.

Media Inquiry Form

  • MM slash DD slash YYYY
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Insights to Transform Your Stress Into Your Resilience​

Please let us know where to send the Stress to Resilience guide and we’ll send it quick!