Dear Dr G, My friend’s husband insults her and screams at the kids nonstop. The house is so chaotic when he’s home that I worry they will grow up and think its a normal house. She thinks a 2 parent household is necessary for her kids. How do I get my friend and her 3 kids out of her emotionally abusive home?
Anonymous, state not provided
Wow, I have so much empathy for your frustration! And empathy is exactly the tool you need the most as a friend in this situation. Allowing abuse is incredibly difficult to understand, especially if you’ve never walked in those shoes.
First let me say that you can not get your friend and her 3 kids out of her emotionally abusive home. Only your friend can change her situation, and she may actually not be able to do that. What you can do is build up her self-esteem, and keep giving her a message of hope. You can also help her kids.
How to support your adult friend? It’s important to remember that she is an adult.
- She is making choices every day that she believes are best for her family. And you do not know that she is wrong. It may be that her husband threatens her with not seeing her own children if she leaves. He might (depending on her, him, their money, their history, many factors) be able to make that threat a reality. There may be other pressures you don’t understand. Keep this in mind.
- Her self-esteem is worn down. It’s nearly impossible to live with constant insults, especially from someone who is supposed to love you, without internalizing those comments as truth. This you can fight, with sincere compliments and admiration. Her husband sees her as weak, don’t add fuel to that fire.
- Empathy goes a lot further than scolding, or even begging. “That sounds so hard. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.”
- Offer hope. “When you’re ready to look at other options, I’m here for you.” “Would you like me to go with you to see a counselor?” “Is there anything I can do to help?”
How to help her children? Consider safety, and model another vision.
- Are they safe? If you believe these kids are being abused you have a moral obligation to get help. I know the system is flawed, but the era of “staying out of it” when we fear a child is being hurt has passed for good reasons. The school, a child’s doctor, a clergy person are all places you can turn if you are not certain whether a call to Youth Services is warranted.
- Children in a home with emotional abuse also have low self-esteem. If you spend time with these children, you can build them up. Smiles, kinds words and sincere compliments can make a real difference.
- Your worry that these children will interpret their home as “normal” is completely fair. So show them a different version of family love. Gently encourage friendships between your children and these kids, and have them over to your home. Without making a big production out of it, model caring behavior. Don’t hide conflict, but make sure it is respectful, and caring.
Most of all, be patient. These situations take time for change to occur. Make sure your friend knows that you are there for her whether she stays or goes. This will make it much easier for her to see a way out. And remember, most women leave abusive situations and return to them several times before they get out for good.
Have you ever had success leaving someone who treated you badly, or supporting a friend who did? What can we do to help someone who feels trapped?
6 thoughts on “Help! My Friend and Her Kids are Abused”
This is a great question, and Dr. G, your advice is right on target. I have been that woman that Anonymous talks about. In addition, my middle son was being physically abused. I tried to reach out to behavioral health staff that were in my home treating my children, only to be told I was wrong, that no abuse was occurring. They even ignored incidents that they witnessed that they are mandated to report. One staff went so fasr as to “coach” me on how to hit my middle son because he was oppositional. I am an educated woman, and I work in the medical and behavioral health field. Yet I was trapped because I heard that I was useless, dumb, etc. for so many years and by more than just my husband. I beleived those insults were right. And I honestly was doing the best I could.
One day in mid June 2009 my son called me at work to say that he had had his head slammed into a concrete block wall by my husband. That is the day that I got the strength to do what I needed to do. I got my kids to safety at my Mom’s and the next morning I filed a protection from abuse order at the magistrate. He was removed from the home and will never again live with me and our sons. We are in the process of a divorce. I had a friend that stood by and watched all of this happen, and did exactly as Dr. G suggests. When I was able to do what needed to be done, she was there to help me in any way possible. She went to night court and to family court with me each time I had to file charges for violations of the original PFA order.
Today, my kids no longer have to witness that abuse, my 13 year old no longer is the victim of physical abuse, and I have been able to straighten out my thinking now that I am not being emotionally and verbally abused. Even my closest friend did not know all of what was going on and why I could not make the necessary changes. Today she does know and now understands why I could not act. I am so very grateful that I had a friend to be there for me and help me. She is a very precious gift to me. She cared and never once walked away from me, no matter how frustrated she was watching this happen. She felt as helpless as I did. Please know that there is hope, that things can change. And when they do, your friend is going to need all of the love and support you can give her. Good luck to you and to your friend and her kids.
Thank you for this incredibly powerful story. You’ve illustrated how support can lead to positive change better than I ever could. Kudos to you and your tremendous strength.
It’s difficult to feel helpless to get our friend out of an abusive situation. But, you’re right that she is the one who’ll need to do it. It takes so much more than physically walking out, she has to be emotionally ready.
The only thing I would disagree with is: “Are they safe? If you believe these kids are being abused you have a moral obligation to get help.”
In every state, if you know of a child being abused there may be a legal obligation to report that abuse. It’s terrifying to make that call knowing the abuser may do more harm (we’ve seen it all too many times on our local news). Physical abuse is often easier to see. However, many abusers are so good at hiding their abuse that their physical abuse can be hidden by clothing so you have to be careful not to just walk away when your gut is telling you something’s not right.
Most importantly, though, is to be available to that friend and help her see her worth and the worth of her children.
Thank you Sara for weighing in. It seems like you are suggesting that it’s better to err on the side of caution and involve the authorities if there is even a suggestion of abuse. That is certainly the case for me as a physician and for every “Mandated Reporter” in Pennsylvania. The law takes the burden of deciding if there is actually abuse off the teachers and doctors and counselors, by requiring that we report even the suspicion or possibility of abuse.
Ugh, my comment is not very clear.
I didn’t mean to imply that I wholly disagree. I meant to say that there are some situations where there is more than a moral obligation. Thank you for picking up on what I was trying to write but didn’t. My brain was moving much faster than my fingers!
Obviously, if you are a ‘mandated reporter’ there’s little lee-way in whether or not to report. Often, though, it’s absolutely heartbreaking because you know nothing will be done b/c of ‘the system’ or that the person (often a child or a woman) may be subjected to greater abuse because the abuser is outraged by having to have dealt with the authorities.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen ‘the system’ up close and personal and I hate that it doesn’t always work. That it’s often parents/close relatives/people within the circle of influence, it only makes the situation more challenging.
There’s always a part of me that is glad there are laws requiring mandatory reporting because then there is no moral dilemma. Although, as you know, it doesn’t stop your heart from hurting because your mind knows it’s not necessarily going to get better.
This is all too true. But, in my more philosophical moments, I take a historical view and realize that things are better than they were a few decades ago. We can’t give up the fight to protect people from evil behavior.
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