{"id":6903,"date":"2011-08-22T07:49:43","date_gmt":"2011-08-22T11:49:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/askdoctorg.com\/?p=928"},"modified":"2021-05-10T14:10:38","modified_gmt":"2021-05-10T19:10:38","slug":"talking-to-kids-about-a-friends-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/askdoctorg.com\/talking-to-kids-about-a-friends-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"Talking to kids about a Friend’s Divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hi Dr. G.\u00a0 My daughter is going in to 1st<\/sup> grade, and one of her friend\u2019s parents are getting divorced.\u00a0 I know she is going to hear about it soon.\u00a0 Even at this age all the girls seem to do is talk.\u00a0 This will be the first time she knows someone who is going through divorce in their family.\u00a0 Should I tell her first or wait for her to come to me?\u00a0 What should I say?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Jeannie, in Portland, OR<\/em><\/p>\n

At 6 or 7 years old, she still thinks you know about everything she knows about. \u00a0So if she hears about it from you she will just be better prepared to be a good friend when she hears, instead of saying something that may make this girl more sad, or angry. \u00a0Go ahead and tell her, Jeannie, but think first about what you want to say.<\/p>\n

The first thing your daughter will need from you about this topic is reassurance.\u00a0 Developmentally she\u2019s learning that she isn\u2019t the center of the universe (quite literally).\u00a0 However, when it comes to big, emotional topics she will think about what it means for HER first.\u00a0 We all do this to some extent, even as adults.\u00a0 It\u2019s especially true for kids.<\/p>\n

When kids hear something frightening, their first thought is \u201cCould that happen to me?\u201d\u00a0 When they bring a \u201cI heard\u201d problem to a parent, that is the first question to answer.<\/p>\n

For a seven year old, make sure that your statements are clear and model what you want her to learn.\u00a0 \u201cThis is sad, and I\u2019m glad our family won\u2019t have to go through this.\u201d\u00a0 \u00a0Of course, if you are considering a divorce yourself, this needs to be worded differently.<\/p>\n

Then ask questions and listen.\u00a0 Give your child a chance to express whatever she is wondering about. \u00a0\u00a0Personally, I\u2019m especially bad at this.\u00a0 So when I ask one of my kids a feelings question I count in my head to 60 before I say anything else.\u00a0 Usually towards the end of that minute he will speak up with a thought or worry I didn\u2019t know was in there.<\/p>\n

The hardest thing for many of us as parents is to avoid telling our kids how to feel.\u00a0 We are so used to telling them what to do and what to say, that we end up also saying \u201cDon\u2019t feel scared\u201d or \u201cDon\u2019t feel sad.\u201d\u00a0 Instead of labeling their feelings as \u201cwrong\u201d in this way, we can teach a great lesson of empathy.\u00a0 \u00a0As basic as it sounds, \u201creflecting\u201d really makes a person feel better.\u00a0 Try, \u201cI hear that you are scared.\u00a0 Would you like to know why I think it\u2019s not as scary as it seems?\u201d<\/p>\n

Lastly, help your daughter practice what she wants to say to her friend when they talk about this.\u00a0 Again, your daughter will probably be thinking about how SHE will feel more than the friend.\u00a0 This is a good chance to teach her about friendship and support in a very straight-forward way.\u00a0 Ask her what feelings she would like her friend to have at the end of the conversation.\u00a0 After she thinks of one of two, help her figure out what she can say to give her friend the chance to feel that way.\u00a0 Remember, she is not responsible for how the friend feels, just for doing her part to give her the chance to feel good.\u00a0 Too often girls feel personally responsible for others\u2019 feelings.<\/p>\n

This is a big topic, and I understand why you are worried.\u00a0 You have the power to reassure and teach your daughter.\u00a0 She will encounter hard situations through her life, so this gives her a safe chance to learn how to manage her own feelings and be a good friend.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi Dr. G.\u00a0 My daughter is going in to 1st grade, and one of her friend\u2019s parents are getting divorced.\u00a0 I know she is going to hear about it soon.\u00a0 Even at this age all the girls seem to do is talk.\u00a0 This will be the first time she knows someone who is going through […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[64,59,37,66,63],"tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nTalking to kids about a Friend's Divorce - 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