{"id":1599,"date":"2017-08-01T23:08:00","date_gmt":"2017-08-02T04:08:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/askdoctorg.com\/?p=1599"},"modified":"2021-05-10T13:59:50","modified_gmt":"2021-05-10T18:59:50","slug":"kids-age-for-phone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/askdoctorg.com\/kids-age-for-phone\/","title":{"rendered":"Ask Doctor G: When Should(n\u2019t) a Kid Get a Cell Phone?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Today I am taking questions from our readers. This one comes from a mom struggling with whether or not to give her daughter a cell phone. Does this sound familiar? Read on!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Doctor G,<\/p>

My daughter is 13 and my husband and I have behavioral issues with her. She has always had a strong and vibrant personality but the type where if you tell her to go left, she\u2019s going right!!<\/p>

I have a mental illness and I have certainly passed those negative habits on to her. She is my no means spoiled, she simply lacks coping skills and it comes out through anger and frustration and verbal attacks on those around her. I do carry the guilt because I have suffered with the same pain my whole life.  That being said, we cannot condone these fits, throwing of things, and verbal disrespect to everyone.<\/p>

Here\u2019s the problem. We have had a rule that they do not get a cell phone until age 13. My daughter turned 13 recently. She has yet to receive the phone because her behavior has been totally unacceptable. Here\u2019s the dilemma. My husband (and our therapist) think that she should be given the phone to use as \u201cleverage\u201d to improve her behavior.<\/p>

I believe the very opposite. As a former Elementary Ed teacher, I feel that Lindsay should be given time to show us that she can get her emotions and behavior under control.<\/p>

When I continue to be disrespected to my face, I cannot fathom why I would then hand over a phone and say, \u201cDon\u2019t do that again\u201d, when we know she will. According to my husband and therapist, when she behaves that way, the phone gets taken away. What happened to PROVING to us that she has made a true effort to improve her behavior and get her feelings under control? When is she getting the practice to understand the WHY she needs to change and that a phone isn\u2019t the reason.<\/p>

Please help!!!!<\/p>

-Anonymous, CA<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I hear your struggle and I completely understand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your husband and your daughter\u2019s therapist are also experts in your daughter and her behavior, and I don\u2019t presume to know her better than they or you do. It is important for your family that you and your husband come to an agreement so that you can present a united plan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I\u2019m hearing you say is this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Giving your daughter a phone would be compromising your own parenting philosophy and the culture you want to create in your home. You\u2019re talking about internal vs external motivation, and of course, internal motivation is better for your daughter in the long run.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My sense of your husband\u2019s point of view is that he would like to have a tangible carrot and stick to try to change her behavior. Also that he would like to please her in order to reconcile somewhat with her so that she can see you both love her and want her to be happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s very difficult to teach kids to have internal motivation, though it\u2019s possible \u2013 through patience and persistence \u2013 to guide them towards it.  By definition, she has to find her own reasons for behaving well as opposed to working only towards a tangible \u201cfinish line\u201d that would allow her to consider the work of treating you respectfully as also \u201cfinished.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One possible way forward is this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Set aside the issue of a phone for the next 2-6 months (whatever makes most sense to you)<\/li>
  2. Pick one behavior that you want to change \u2013 I\u2019m guessing you\u2019ll pick \u201cspeaking respectfully\u201d but choose the one that will get the most peace in your home for everyone<\/li>
  3. Spell out very clearly what behaviors are not acceptable and what the consequences will be<\/li>
  4. Spell out very clearly what behaviors are desired and what the consequences of those will be<\/li>
  5. Ask her what behaviors of yours (not gifts \u2013 like a phone!) would help her show that desired behavior and pick one or two that you can agree on<\/li>
  6. Give her the chance to earn a different privilege through consistent (but not perfect) improved behavior<\/li>
  7. Check back in one week later to see what needs to be tweaked<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s totally reasonable to tell your daughter that these changes have to happen before you can consider when and how she can earn a phone from you. And the logic there is clear \u2013 she can\u2019t be trusted to roam or communicate with others until she shows she can treat people (starting with her family) respectfully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s also totally reasonable for her to be angry or hurt when you talk to her about this plan. She may feel betrayed or hopeless \u2013 especially if she is trying to change this behavior and hasn\u2019t been able to do that. Have empathy for her frustration \u2013 it\u2019s real. Keep telling her you\u2019re in this together and you\u2019ll keep working with her to find a way to solve all this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I hope that you have great support in your own pursuit of mental health treatment. Please don\u2019t equate mental health struggles with \u201cpassing on negative habits.\u201d If you had asthma and then one of your kids developed it, would you say you \u201cpassed on bad breathing habits?\u201d No! There should be no shame or guilt in illness. Get her the help she needs and keep holding her to a high standard of behavior. She deserves that, and so do you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    What would you do? Share with us on Facebook<\/a> or Twitter<\/a>! If you have a question, submit it to our podcast<\/a>!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Today I am taking questions from our readers. This one comes from a mom struggling with whether or not to give her daughter a cell phone. Does this sound familiar? Read on! Dear Doctor G, My daughter is 13 and my husband and I have behavioral issues with her. She has always had a strong […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":1600,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"default","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"default","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[28],"tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nAsk Doctor G: When Should(n\u2019t) a Kid Get a Cell Phone? - Ask Dr. G<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/askdoctorg.com\/kids-age-for-phone\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Ask Doctor G: When Should(n\u2019t) a Kid Get a Cell Phone? - Ask Dr. G\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Today I am taking questions from our readers. 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