Today is Yom Kippur. This is a holy day in Judaism and it marks the end of our annual period of atonement. What does that mean and how might it be useful to you?
Well, let me tell you.
Judaism has a lot of rules about.., I mean, honestly everything. But in particular there are lots of rules and guidance about this process of atoning.
First, you have to “take an accounting of your soul.” Which loosely translates to asking yourself what you have to feel guilty about. And that brings us to what I want to share today. Guilt can be really useful, if you do it right. (Please insert all the Jewish mom guilt jokes here so I don’t have to…)
Guilt is a totally appropriate feeling if you’ve acted against your values. Counterpoint: guilt is not an appropriate response to acting IN accordance with your values, even if someone else didn’t like it or felt hurt by it. You can regret the fallout, even express empathy to that person, but that is different than guilt.
When you feel guilty, figure out which of your values you are in acting in opposition to and that will be your guide. Your guide to what? To knowing to whom you owe and apology and to knowing how you need to change your behavior in the future.
In my tradition we’re taught that every apology has three steps:
- Figure out what you did that wasn’t ok
- Apologize to those you injured
- Actively work on making it right and not doing it again
Look, we throw around the concept of “feeling bad” or “feeling guilty” a lot in our society. And it’s bad for our resilience. It confuses us to focus on feeling like we did something wrong when we did what was right and it wasn’t well received.
Actual guilt – and taking steps to rectify it – build resilience and relationships. When you owe someone an apology (whether they know it or not) and you’re brave enough to speak it you will often strengthen that connection. Even when you don’t strengthen that connection you will always strengthen your own sense of self, your ability to navigate life and come through it the kind of person you mean to be.
What do you think of using the litmus test of your own values to determine whether you should or shouldn’t feel guilty about something?
And wishing an easy fast and meaningful Yom Kippur to all who observe.
All my best,
Dr. G
