I think most of us are familiar with the idea of quality over quantity. But when it comes to building relationships, I want to challenge that idea.
Is there a relationship you care about and would like to improve? Quantity is often what will get you there. Before we talk about how, let’s talk about why:
First of all, the reason I’m diving into this topic is because relationsihps – at home and at work – have the biggest impact on our resilience. No matter what is happening, from budget cuts to illness to financial strain, it’s our relationships that can either sustain and strengthen us or add to our stress load. So that’s why this topic matters in our ongoing dialogue about resilience.
Now the “why” behind quantity. You know what you can’t control in a relationship? The other person. You decide to have 15 minute one-on-one with someone on your team in order to strengthen the relationship. But they are distracted or frustrated or focused on a particular project and so don’t really join you in focusing on communication or goal setting or whatever you wanted to do with that time. Or you would like to make things “better” with your teenager or your friend or a partner and so you invite them to go do something special together. But they’re not feeling great or have other things on their mind or just don’t show up as their best self. None of that is in your control.
The idea behind quality time is that you’ll take this precious commodity and use it strategically. And if you’re talking about exercise or journaling or putting together a business plan, that’s great! Those tasks are entirely in your control and so focused, limited time works really well.
To build relationships you actually need enough quantity that the quality has a chance to happen. Those moments often come up when you’re traveling with a work colleague all day and get into a good conversation waiting at the gate for a flight. Or you’re trying to make things better with someone you live with so you just hang out near them on the couch or in the kitchen. Or you “trap” them on a long drive! The being together builds trust – and it doesn’t depend on making a particular moment meaningful which can really only happen when you’re both ready and willing for that to happen and the stars align so that distractions don’t interrupt.
Don’t count on the quality – build in the quantity. And yes, multitasking is fine.
Did a particular relationship come to mind for you? Would you be willing to increase the amount of time you’re in proximity to that person? Hit reply and let me know!
All my best,
Dr. G
