I love the idea of people pleasing. The goal is to show compassion and care for the people in your life. To meet them where they are and give them what they need or want. To create experiences for them that make them happy, give them no reason to complain and every reason to honor, respect and value you.
The glitch? It doesn’t work.
This is really an extension of the conversation we were having a few weeks ago about honesty.
If, in order to do what others want, you have to ignore your own needs or feelings, you’re setting yourself up to suffer. After all, decreased authenticity and honesty leads to increased physical symptoms, worsened chronic illness and decreased happiness for you. “That’s ok!” you might be thinking, “I can suffer for the happiness of these people in my life!” And I agree!
Except that doesn’t work either.
Please don’t misunderstand. I bet you’re an expert in the happiness of the people most important to you, and you can often treat them in ways that bring them peace and joy. I do that too and it’s one of my favorite things about myself.
The problem is that you can’t make someone else feel something they don’t want to – or believe they can – feel.
A friend of mine is planning her wedding. And she’s twisted herself into invitation-list knots trying to make her aunts happy with her. She just wants them to be satisfied so that they “won’t gossip about me or complain on the wedding day.” Bet you can see the hole in her logic, right? No one she invites or doesn’t invite will change how these women approach the day. But she is pretty miserable and frustrated while she tries. It’s possible (not likely, but possible) that she could communicate with her aunts and help them see why they might adjust their attitudes. But trying to make them happy – when it’s actually the gossip and complaining they love – isn’t going to work.
People pleasing isn’t bad, IF…
- · What you choose to do is honestly what you want to do
- · You aren’t counting on this to make the other person value, respect or love you
Are you able to please people when you choose to and not because you feel you have to? Hit reply and tell me!
All my best,
Dr. G
