I chose to write a letter with the hopes of improving one of my most important relationships. My relationship with my body. It’s a thank you letter. Will you go over and check it out? I’d love to hear what you think.

Teaching kids the skills they need to feel competent and confident when dealing with adults is a big job. Breaking it down into smaller skill sets makes a big difference. Even shy kids often enjoy answering the phone, so check out this video with your kids and teach them four ways to make a great impression, whether they are placing or answering a call!

My 3 and 7 year old love playing together but their play usually results in the expected amount of conflict. I find myself questioning how involved I should get in their disputes. Should I say something when I see someone being unfair? Should I wait until they come to me for help (usually when it has escalated to tears)? Should I make them work it out on their own? It is supremely important to me that they have a positive relationship but I don’t want them to rely on me as an intermediary in their relationship.

Melissa, in PA

These are such important questions we ask ourselves as parents of sibs!

You certainly already have some common sense guidelines about when you have to get involved, right?

1. Someone is bullying. If you see a behavior from one to another that you think might be bullying, ask yourself this question: “If I saw a child on the playground do/say that, would I call it bullying?” If so, then you have to step in, bullying is not OK at home either! And remember, younger kids are just as likely to try to bully older ones.
2. The fighting is no longer consensual. That means that one child wants out, but doesn’t know how to stop the fight or argument. It takes a long time to learn that it takes two people to agree to fight, and sometimes it’s best to just walk away.
3. Avoiding the insurance claim. At our house we have a rule – if something is likely to require money from our insurance – medical or homeowners – it’s done. End of story.

Now, let’s talk “intervening” vs “interfering.”

It’s a really tough call! As hard as I find this to do, it’s really best to let our kids try to work it out on their own, for just the reason you stated. We want to build in them the habit of taking their feelings and ideas to the other person because that means they are communicating and problem-solving, not tattling.

There are some times when telling is not tattling, and there is a world of difference between saying “Mom, she just…!” and “Mom, I’m trying to talk to my brother and it’s not working. Can I have some help?”

When I become the complaint department, and there is no sign of deep emotional or physical wounds, I always ask, “What did your brother say when you told him?” This doesn’t always solve it, but it does make clear my expectation that they will look to each other fora solution first.

As for stepping in when you overhear something that is unfair, you probably don’t need to.  Kids are excellent at knowing when they’ve been wronged, and keep track of “fair” better than Supreme Court judges or standardized test designers! If you feel that one of your kids is repeatedly manipulating or taking advantage of another, then it’s probably time for a one-on-one or family sit down. This happens pretty regularly at my house !

You don’t mention it, but I want to touch on one other scenario:

The Wrestling Match Gone Bad.

If your kids like to tussle, make a couple of ground rules:

1. Everyone has to agree before the wrestling/tickling starts. No surprise attacks!
2. If you agreed to wrestle, you can’t try to get someone in trouble for it after.
3. Anyone can “tap out.” No reason necessary. This means tapping the shoulder of your opponent or the ground twice and is an all-stop signal. This works in martial arts and it works in my living room. If somebody taps out and you don’t honor it, you’re in hot water.

Our kids will have, we hope, decades to love, argue with, challenge and support each other. More important than breaking up the “you have three and I only got one” struggles, we have to help them set communication patterns for life. Let me know how it goes!

How do YOU decide when to step in?

In honor of Mother’s Day, I took a week off from making a video. This week, to answer the question “How can I get my kids to be more appreciative?” I went to some experts. My kids give their advice on teaching kids to be grateful for what they have, and say so.

Disclosure – Give aways donated to show appreciation
and will be selected via random.org

Today’s question comes from my dear friend Nicole. She is a Champion for Shot@Life, an organization committed to funding immunizations for kids in the developing world. Nicole explained that she is helping Shot@Life and the United Nations raise money during and after World Immunization Week. First she asked, “Do you want to help?” Do I? Do I!

Why am I so passionate about vaccination?

Because, in my thirteen years (this month) as a doctor, I’ve seen unvaccinated American kids die of meningitis, pertussis, HIB and chicken pox. I’ve cared for children hospitalized by measles, rotavirus, pneumonia and hepatitis A. I care for adult patients who still are disfigured or affected by polio, hepatitis B, HPV, and rubella. These are now all vaccine preventable illnesses.

Then she asked me, and nineteen other online moms, to answer this question:

“What does motherhood mean to you?”

Here is my answer. Motherhood, for me, means luxury. When I think motherhood I have that lovely, heart-melt feeling, that sense memory of well-fed and healthy babies in my arms.

My motherhood is one of

Meeting needs, soothing hurts, answering curious questions.

Challenging ideas, having adventures, building character.

Hugging happy bodies, encouraging generous hearts, doling out consequences.

My motherhood experience rests comfortably on the assumption that my kids are likely to live through their childhood.

Is yours?

If so, you and I are both blessed. We do not wake each day of our pregnancies and our lives asking “Will my child live?” The help that Shot@Life will provide? Gives mothers a shot at that same blessing. These are women who just pray every night for their children to live to adulthood. Let’s do our part to make that prayer come true.

So now I’m asking you. What does motherhood mean to you? If you write about it, link up! Spread the word and you will, very directly, save lives. If you comment, please donate a dollar (or more!) for these babies. If life finds you in a moment when you can’t donate, will you spread the word? That itself would be a huge help!

Link up, comment and share with

Sisters From Another Mister

and 20 AWESOME bloggers

Making a difference May 8th thro May 18th

FUNDRAISING ON BEHALF OF GLOBAL MOMS

Sisters From Another Mister, proud Champion for shot@life and the UN Foundation

I donated for each of my sons, and for each of the five children I’ve known through my work who died from vaccine preventable diseases.  Who moves you to help?

It’s too easy for parents to let their own birthdays and anniversaries and accomplishments go uncelebrated. Moms, especially, often try to stay out of the spotlight. Here are 2 reasons to let kids make a big deal out of you, and a way to make sure they do!

Anonymous, in Louisiana

Your granddaughter is lucky to have you and her Paw Paw! Grandparents can make such a positive difference in the lives of kids, and it’s wonderful that you live so close to each other.

To be a nine year old girl is maybe not as simple as it was a generation or two ago. It sounds like your this girl is struggling with something at school. Like most kids her age, she is probably able to forget about the problem on the weekends or in the evenings for a while, but feels panicked when she has to go back to school and face it.

Her emotions are also changing, as she is probably in the very early stages of puberty. The hormonal changes of puberty can begin as young as age eight, and tend to be earlier when girls are more overweight, as well.

All of this is to say that her crying spells are a normal reaction for a nine year old to a scary or stressful situation.

I don’t know why she’s having these crying spells, but your granddaughter does know, and you can find out.

Here are some steps you can take.

1. Spend some time alone with her. The more relaxed she feels the more likely she is to feel safe enough to discuss this. It sounds like your home is a very safe place to her.
2. Make an observation. “I’ve noticed that you have some pretty sad feelings sometimes.”
3. Wait quietly. She may need a while to answer.
4. Don’t be put off. Some kids will react to this chance by pouring out troubles. Others may withdraw or attack. She may need more evidence that you can and will listen, that you’re ready to judge. Try making another observation, or mentioning a memory about you or one of your own kids not wanting to go to school for a good reason.
5. Offer empathy, not solutions. The first thing she needs to know is that all of her emotions are acceptable.
6. Ask if she has any ideas of how to help the situation.  You can offer some help, but she will build more confidence if you let her take the lead in problem solving. This will help her build resilience.
7. Praise her behavior. Despite her fear or sadness, she is still getting up from her crying and going to school. She is not using her emotions as an excuse to break the rules.

It is likely that your granddaughter is the victim of something that is crushing her self-esteem. Whether she is being teased or bullied at school or at her house (or both), or struggling academically or socially, she needs a adult to help her explain the problem. Then you and the other helpful adults in her life can help her find solutions.

Please let me know what you find out!

Readers, have you experienced a child with a sudden behavior change? What did you do? 

I am so excited to host the second episode of WQED TV iQ:smartparent! We’re talking about Girls Growing Up With Media, and, as always? Setting out to solve some problems parents have with the media our kids see. We worry about the messages boys and girls are getting about what girls’ bodies should look like, what their relationships should be like, and what career choices they’ll have. Here are three useful solutions!