A Mom at Your Teen Magazine

I hope you’ll come on over to Your Teen Magazine and check out the 8 tips for helping teens move from strict supervision to more freedom!

I chose to write a letter with the hopes of improving one of my most important relationships. My relationship with my body. It’s a thank you letter. Will you go over and check it out? I’d love to hear what you think.

My 3 and 7 year old love playing together but their play usually results in the expected amount of conflict. I find myself questioning how involved I should get in their disputes. Should I say something when I see someone being unfair? Should I wait until they come to me for help (usually when it has escalated to tears)? Should I make them work it out on their own? It is supremely important to me that they have a positive relationship but I don’t want them to rely on me as an intermediary in their relationship.

Melissa, in PA

These are such important questions we ask ourselves as parents of sibs!

You certainly already have some common sense guidelines about when you have to get involved, right?

1. Someone is bullying. If you see a behavior from one to another that you think might be bullying, ask yourself this question: “If I saw a child on the playground do/say that, would I call it bullying?” If so, then you have to step in, bullying is not OK at home either! And remember, younger kids are just as likely to try to bully older ones.
2. The fighting is no longer consensual. That means that one child wants out, but doesn’t know how to stop the fight or argument. It takes a long time to learn that it takes two people to agree to fight, and sometimes it’s best to just walk away.
3. Avoiding the insurance claim. At our house we have a rule – if something is likely to require money from our insurance – medical or homeowners – it’s done. End of story.

Now, let’s talk “intervening” vs “interfering.”

It’s a really tough call! As hard as I find this to do, it’s really best to let our kids try to work it out on their own, for just the reason you stated. We want to build in them the habit of taking their feelings and ideas to the other person because that means they are communicating and problem-solving, not tattling.

There are some times when telling is not tattling, and there is a world of difference between saying “Mom, she just…!” and “Mom, I’m trying to talk to my brother and it’s not working. Can I have some help?”

When I become the complaint department, and there is no sign of deep emotional or physical wounds, I always ask, “What did your brother say when you told him?” This doesn’t always solve it, but it does make clear my expectation that they will look to each other fora solution first.

As for stepping in when you overhear something that is unfair, you probably don’t need to.  Kids are excellent at knowing when they’ve been wronged, and keep track of “fair” better than Supreme Court judges or standardized test designers! If you feel that one of your kids is repeatedly manipulating or taking advantage of another, then it’s probably time for a one-on-one or family sit down. This happens pretty regularly at my house !

You don’t mention it, but I want to touch on one other scenario:

The Wrestling Match Gone Bad.

If your kids like to tussle, make a couple of ground rules:

1. Everyone has to agree before the wrestling/tickling starts. No surprise attacks!
2. If you agreed to wrestle, you can’t try to get someone in trouble for it after.
3. Anyone can “tap out.” No reason necessary. This means tapping the shoulder of your opponent or the ground twice and is an all-stop signal. This works in martial arts and it works in my living room. If somebody taps out and you don’t honor it, you’re in hot water.

Our kids will have, we hope, decades to love, argue with, challenge and support each other. More important than breaking up the “you have three and I only got one” struggles, we have to help them set communication patterns for life. Let me know how it goes!

How do YOU decide when to step in?

Anonymous, in Louisiana

Your granddaughter is lucky to have you and her Paw Paw! Grandparents can make such a positive difference in the lives of kids, and it’s wonderful that you live so close to each other.

To be a nine year old girl is maybe not as simple as it was a generation or two ago. It sounds like your this girl is struggling with something at school. Like most kids her age, she is probably able to forget about the problem on the weekends or in the evenings for a while, but feels panicked when she has to go back to school and face it.

Her emotions are also changing, as she is probably in the very early stages of puberty. The hormonal changes of puberty can begin as young as age eight, and tend to be earlier when girls are more overweight, as well.

All of this is to say that her crying spells are a normal reaction for a nine year old to a scary or stressful situation.

I don’t know why she’s having these crying spells, but your granddaughter does know, and you can find out.

Here are some steps you can take.

1. Spend some time alone with her. The more relaxed she feels the more likely she is to feel safe enough to discuss this. It sounds like your home is a very safe place to her.
2. Make an observation. “I’ve noticed that you have some pretty sad feelings sometimes.”
3. Wait quietly. She may need a while to answer.
4. Don’t be put off. Some kids will react to this chance by pouring out troubles. Others may withdraw or attack. She may need more evidence that you can and will listen, that you’re ready to judge. Try making another observation, or mentioning a memory about you or one of your own kids not wanting to go to school for a good reason.
5. Offer empathy, not solutions. The first thing she needs to know is that all of her emotions are acceptable.
6. Ask if she has any ideas of how to help the situation.  You can offer some help, but she will build more confidence if you let her take the lead in problem solving. This will help her build resilience.
7. Praise her behavior. Despite her fear or sadness, she is still getting up from her crying and going to school. She is not using her emotions as an excuse to break the rules.

It is likely that your granddaughter is the victim of something that is crushing her self-esteem. Whether she is being teased or bullied at school or at her house (or both), or struggling academically or socially, she needs a adult to help her explain the problem. Then you and the other helpful adults in her life can help her find solutions.

Please let me know what you find out!

Readers, have you experienced a child with a sudden behavior change? What did you do? 

How can I teach my daughter to love her body – however it looks – with all the emphasis on beauty and thinness everywhere in the media?

An attendee at the second taping of “iQ: SmartParent”

Children and teens hear conflicting messages. Parents and teachers say“Love yourself the way you are!”  Every magazine, commercial, fashion spread, billboard screams, “Be hot, and sexy, and everything will go your way!” WQED has tackled this struggle in the second episode of  iQ: SmartParent “Girls Growing Up With Media.”

I was honored to interview three amazing women, and a whole host of fascinating and savvy teens and their parents during our taping.  M. Gigi Durham, PhD, is the author of the best-selling book The Lolita Effect: The Media’s Sexualization of Girls and What We Can Do About It. Rebecca Gaynier is the founder of iTwixie.com, a moderated social media site strictly for girls, ages 8-14. Jennifer Stancil is the Executive Director of Educational Partnerships at WQED Multimedia, and has spent most of her career innovating how kids see the world around them and their potential within it.

These women made me think.

What’s the problem?

The pictures our kids see of women? Are not worthwhile, are not health, are not actually attainable!

However, by virtue of being in the media in the first place, they are set up as the goal. THE goal for girls to attain and for their life partners to desire. No amount of “But honey, it’s more important to be beautiful on the inside” is going to make that much of a dent, as teens obsess about the “thigh gap.”

What’s the solution?

Parents are not powerless. Neither are teachers, coaches, grandparents, mentors, Girl Scout Troop leaders, or all the other important adults in a child’s life. We can, and must, be as savvy as the advertisers. Our influence is greater, because we are trusted sources!

1. Teach kids to look for the trick. Girls and boys can learn to look with a skeptical eye at the billboards, magazines and commercials that inundate them. Common Sense Media has great resources for explaining this issue, and you’ll see some great real vs. published ads and pictures of performers and models during the show. Some really have to be seen to be believed!
2. Challenge the tweens and teens you know. Ask the hard questions. “How do you decide which clothes to buy? What celebrities do you admire? Why? Are advertisers allowed to lie, or mislead? Who gets your money? What have they done to deserve it?
3. Watch your words at the grocery store or the mall. It’s so natural to call a stranger’s child “Princess” or praise the curly hair or cool shoes on a neighbor’s little one. Want kids to grow up valuing their own inner beauty? Then we as adults need to look for it, and ignore (yes, ignore!) the external features. Build self-esteem by praising something over which a child has some control!

“You’re waiting so patiently!” 

“Way to go, helping your grown-up!”

“You look very curious!”

“Are you having an adventure?”

“ I like that smile.”

4. Praise the process. It’s the process our kids can take real pride in. “You look nice” doesn’t feel nearly as great as “You look ready to… (learn, create, lead, discover).” And “Your grades are great” doesn’t create the same pride as “I’m impressed with your perseverance, dedication, scholarship.” Praising the way our kids play the game is not going to convince them that winning doesn’t matter. It will simply teach them to value their own effort and to keep putting it out there.

There were so many great take-home messages for parents in this episode, I hope you’ll check it out for yourself, and the SmartParent community to see all the ways we can empower our kids! Airing on WQED Apr 25^th at 8:00pm and Apr 28^th at 3pm, and it will be available online a little later in the month. And check out Common Sense Media for great information about games, apps and just about any media your kids might encounter.

Have you noticed the media’s influence on your own children?

There are too many opportunities to talk to our kids about sad or difficult events. Often adults find those conversations even scarier than the hearing about the event itself. Doctor G has 5 steps parents and educators can take when approaching these talks. Model respect and teach resilience, as we know that this will not be the only tragedy to touch our children in their lifetimes.

Vanessa, in (state not provided)

I see why this feels a little silly! Standing behind a parked car, checking on a child you’re not even worried about, waving to her when no one is looking, it seems like something from a TV show.

Walking your daughter most of the way to the bus is not bad for her in any way. But, having to hide a block away may feel a little undignified. It’s hard to know if your daughter is having trouble letting go, or has a concern she hasn’t voiced.

First of all, it’s important to remember that being 14 years old is often a seesaw of emotions, sometimes feeling 24 and sometimes feeling 4 years old. This makes “acting your age” a very difficult proposition!

You could:

1. Keep doing what you’re doing until the end of the school year, and then ask her to reassess at the end of the summer. It may be that she just needs a little more emotional development before she gives up the security blanket of your presence.
2. Walk her all the way to the bus stop and stand with her. If her friends tease her, she can “blame” you. “Oh, my mom is so over-protective!” You can let her know that if she is too old for that, you don’t need to go with her, but you are done hiding out. If she still wants the security of the connection, can you text with her while she waits?
3. Stop walking her to the bus stop. If she panics at that idea, it would be great to use her strong reaction as a motivation to help her verbalize her feelings.

Vanessa, is it possible that she is worried about a stranger who lives or works near her bus stop? Has someone made her nervous or uncomfortable and she knows that you can swoop in to save her if something that concerns her actually happens?

Do a little investigating if you’re worried. Ask a few gentle questions of your son, about anything he’s noticed. Maybe encourage her to invite her bus friends over to hang out (and eavesdrop a little).

If your daughter can’t or won’t explain her anxiety, and you can’t figure it out, it seems reasonable to continue what you’re doing now. She needs to know you’ve “got her back” and this is one way to show her that for sure. On the other hand, if you really believe she is relying on you too much, try the texting idea to ease her out of it.

Understanding our teens’ motivations is challenging, especially when they don’t always understand themselves!

Parents, what have you done with a teen who requested something you thought was appropriate for a much younger child?

Doctor G was really excited to be the keynote speaker at the International Nanny Association’s national conference this past weekend. One of the nannies was kind enough to ask this great question about how to help a child see her own capability when she’s feeling overwhelmed.

How have you taught a child to manage that feeling?

Most people believe that children only have prejudice if they are raised by people with prejudice. That’s just not true. Young children and cautious children often have an inherent distrust of that which they don’t recognize as familiar – people, and also food, activities, etc. Doctor G has 3 clear tips for helping our children respect others and learn to see differences as interesting, not scary.